The Seaman (Jealousy Spin off)
by George Lucas Official
Summary: Written by Jary Boxfeld John Goodman, sick and tired of his old life and tries to get a fresh start, that is if his possesive girlfriemd Amy Shumer will let him...


**The Seaman**

" **His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. 'Are you ready for this?' he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young."-EL James**

 **July 12th, 1995**

Chapter 1: The Descent

Deeper and deeper he went, into the ocean that is, his name was John Goodman, and he was determined to accomplish his mission. His weight belt allowed his beach body frame to sink lower and lower into the depths, despite his buoyant body fat. He looked around the vast emptiness of the indian ocean, not a living thing in sight...good. His mission was too dangerous. He wouldn't want any innocent fishies to get hurt. "Come in Goodman! How is your descent going!?" A voice from John's earpiece asked, "It's going fine Amy, my scuba suit is holding pressure and we are negative 8000 metres and counting!" "Good!" The voice said, clearly loving the news, "You're almost at the bottom...come back safe to me...ok John?" Goodman remained silent for a moment, as if he had to come to grips with not seeing...her again, "I promise you...I'll-" he lost connection with her. He was alone in the sea. Quick as a flash, John Goodman swam to the now visible bottom of the ocean, he turned on his headlamp for a better view. The sandy bottom was almost like an underwater desert, constantly swirling, twisting, and changing with the current. Then...he saw it. "Mines….just as I suspected." There, chained to the bottom of the ocean floor, were underwater mines. The aging, corroded metal weapons of death, lie there, dormant since the cold war. Goodman pulled out his hair dressing scissors and brought them to the ready, as he prepared to disarm the bombs. "Time to go to work!" He opened the hatch of one of the mines, exposing the detonation mechanism and wires. John Goodman, using his bomb defusing knowledge, cut all the wires at once in the hopes of deactivating it. Since he was not automatically killed by a blast, Goodman deemed it a success. He was about to move on to the next bomb when suddenly a haunting noise filled the water. Someone who didn't know any better, would assume that this noise was a whale, or the mythical Nessie of the loch ness, but it was neither, John Goodman was hungry, starving even. "Shit on a cracker!" The actor turned bomb diffusing scuba diver screamed in frustration, "I can't work on an empty stomach!" He desperately looked around, maybe there was something he could eat down here...then he saw it. A blue and yellow fish, about the size of his thumb swam right by...it wasn't much. But it was enough. Goodman hastily removed his helmet, exposing his flabby head to the 794 pounds of water pressure and grabbed the fish. This was a daring move...but a worthwhile one, as he jammed the squirming fish down his gullet. Goodman, now satisfied, put his helmet back on and took a deep breath of clean, fresh oxygen. He then opened the hatch of the next mine, only to be stopped by a small orange and white clownfish, "YOU KILLED DORY!" screamed the fish, fins clenched into a fist. John Goodman, assuming he was suffering from narcosis, attempted to wipe his eyes, but to no avail, since he was wearing a helmet. The dumb fuck. "I'm gonna fuck you up!" Then, like a puma with a jetpack, the clownfish unleashed a flurry of punches that would make Jackie Chan look like a fucking salad tosser. He then pulled out his pocket knife and slashed at Goodman's belly releasing his blu friend from the acidic prison. Goodman, now with multiple bone fractures and a torn gut, was left dazed and confused. "WHO ARE YOU!?" He asked, barely able to think. The fish swam close to his helmet window and flashed him a sinister smile, "I'm Marlin...and you're fucking dead!" Marlin then exposed his striking ten inch fish cock and fucked a hole straight through the bulletproof glass, poking john goodman in the eye, and flooding his helmet with water. Blood drained from the now shattered visor, and Marlin looked upon the dying man with pride. "Goodbye Goodman!" He then pushed his dying body so it would have a direct collision course with one of the mines. Dory and Marlin then swam away in a hurry, as a massive blast soon followed.

Chapter 2: Miss Piggy

Amy Schumer sat there in a mountain of her own filthy stool, sobbing uncontrollably. "WHYYYYYYYY!" she oinked as she ate yet another box of twinkies, cardboard and all. She couldn't cope with her Johnny being dead! She couldn't even believe it! She then knew what she had to do. Amy stood up, reached inside her belly fold and pulled out a box of laxatives. She ate all of them at once,and with this added shitting power, she took to the skies and flew all the way to her hometown, mississippi, and landed on her apartment building roof. However, since she weighed fifty tons, she fell straight through all eight floors of the building. She landed assfirst in the lobby and sighed. She picked up her cellphone and called the air force. "Hey can you send a helicopter to pick me up again? Yeah I, Oink! Put on a few pounds. OK THANKS!" Amy ran outside to the waiting cargo helicopter. She attached herself to the harness and let the helicopter dangle her over her balcony, but by the time the clumsy cow actually managed to get over the railing, the aircraft's engine gave ou due to all the pressure it was put under and crashed, killing all of it's crew. Amy shrugged and walked into her apartment. "I'll be with you soon Johnny…" She said as she pulled her ready made nuse out of her derelict coot. She hung it over a support beam, placed it around her neck and kicked the chair out from under herself. At first it was going well, she began to choke and her vision was going blurry, until, of course, the beam gave way, collapsing her building entirely. Amy Schumer pulled herself from the rubble and dusted herself off with her hooves. "FUCK." She said in frustration as she downed another box of twinkies.

Chapter 3: Deceit

John Goodman sipped his pina colada through his wacky straw, he then pulled back from the beverage releasing a pleased sigh of refreshment. He pulled his sunglasses to the bridge of his nose to scan his surroundings with his own eyes. The beach he was on was nothing short of perfect, the sky was sapphie, the waves calming, and the sand was as white as a clansman. "Now THIS is the life!" He said as he raised himself off of his lawn chair and began to dance around the beach with outstretched arms. He then slowly turned to the reader and flashed a wink and a smile as he began to unbutton his tropical shirt, "Hey kids! Sing along with me!" Goodman then threw down some cardboard and threw down some wicked moves, all the while singing:

Verse 1:

C D C E

I was a good man! Never from the hood man, always did what my Momma said!

C D C E

Now I'm on the beach! Sand like it's been bleached, I bet you all thought I was dead!

Chorus:

I am John Goodman, born and raised in Brooklyn, and I will never ever dieeeee!

C

(Never die, never die, never die)

Verse 2:

C D C E

I faked my death and, It went just as I planed and, Now I'm free from that fucking Bitch!

C D C E

Now I'm on the beach! Sand like it's been bleached, I'm on an island and I'm stupid rich!

Chorus:

I am John Goodman, born and raised in Brooklyn, and I will never ever dieeeee!

C

(Never die, never die, never die)

C D E

JOHNNNNNNN GOOOODMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Chapter 4: The Good life

John was having the time of his life. Everyday on a beautiful beach, the sun shining year round, but most importantly, he was far away from his clingy girlfriend Amy Schumer. In fact all the days seemed to blur together in a heavenly fashion. John was in bliss.

One day, John Goodman was walking down the beach, as he did every day, collecting sea shells and other oceanic oddities that he could add to his collection or potential scrap booking endeavours. When all of the sudden, he stumbled upon something terrible… "NOOOO!" He couldn't believe his eyes! It was Amy! She was laying down on the shore! John fell to his knees, "Why God! Why!?" But then he sighed in relief when he realized it was just a beached whale. He approached the whale, and was shocked when it jumped up and started talking! "Hello! My name is Jeremy!" John looked upon the mystical mammal in disbelief, "How are you talking?" The whale winked at Goodman, "I'm a magical bowhead whale silly! I can do anything I want!" John thought for a moment...it did make sense, "John Goodman! Friend of the ocean! Last son of Atlantis! I need your help! I am stuck on the shore! Please push me back out to sea!" John crossed his arms, annoyed, "No. I'm sorry but I can't help you. I'm on vacation and I don't want any interruptions from bowhead whales magical or not!" Jeremy looked up at the gargantuan man furiously. "FINE." The whale said as a sudden purple flash and puff of smoke made the whale transform into a beautiful woman. Goodman couldn't believe how beautiful this lady was, she was, she had silver hair, purple eyes and was built like a 1968 Ferrari. She was naked too so he was fell to his knees, "forgive me sorceress, I did not know who you were!" The powerful woman seemed to float towards the diver, and in one fluid motion, swept him off his feet and kissed him. The two embraced and continued to suck face passionately. John was enjoying every second of it, he loved the feeling of her warm skin, soft hair, and prickly beard...wait a second! John opened his eyes and saw George Lucas, ass naked, looking right back at him. John screamed and fell back in horror, "Damn trickster! What is the meaning of this!?" Lucas chuckled, "So you ARE gay! Ha ha! I knew it! You kissed a guy! You kissed a guy!" He sang out mockingly. "Who are you!?" Lucas touched John's shoulder and raised in eyebrow. "You're saying you don't know?! Ha! You'd think you'd recognize a GOD when you saw one." Goodman finally pieced it together when he saw Lucas' terrifying fupa, "Lucas…the God? But the council died out long ago!" Lucas smiled, "Who do you think killed them?" Goodman stepped back, terrified, "what do you want?" Lucas chuckled, "I just wanted to pop by, see the long lost survivor of Atlantis...maybe kill him too...I don't know. To be honest I just like to roll with the punches." Goodman scowled and spat at Lucas, the mucus hit him right in the belly button, "So what are you waiting for? An Atlantean like myself should be nothing for you." Lucas smiled again, "Given your lack of sympathy for me as a whale I have a better idea you cold hearted fuck!" Lucas then chuckled and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Goodman thought for a moment, what could possibly be worse than dying by the hand of George Lucas?

Chapter 5: Dying By the Hand of Amy Schumer

Amy was sobbing even more than before as she had just finished the last tub of Ben and Jerry's in the United States. She was watching the moon as it hung over the beautiful starry Atlantic coast. Her sad moans attracted a nearby pod of whales, and they sung back in return, confused, thinking it was their mating call. Amy then heard a voice, "Hello! I'm Jeremy!" She looked down at one of the whales, it was talking! "Oink!" Amy shouted as she shit herself in disbelief, "I was just swimming through the French polynesia and stumbled across an island...I saw someone you know there." Amy raised one of her ears in disbelief, "who? What are you talking about!?" The whale chuckled. "John Goodman. He's alive and he's off banging other girls on that island. He faked his death so avoid you." Amy turned a darker shade of pink in fury. "I'm gonna go kill him!" Jeremy smiled, "let me help you with that…" Jeremy zapped her with a beam of purple energy and made her materialize on the beach of the same island in which goodman resided. Goodman, at the time was scrapbooking, and had just finished glueing a sand dollar to a page. Content with his work, Goodman stood up and looked at the clock and it was 7:30 already! The sun would start going down soon. He decided he should go to sleep, he shouldn't be staying up this late. He put on his PJ's and nestled inside his bed. He drifted off, smiling until an earthquake awoke him. The ground shook. Then he realized...it was no earthquake...it was Amy's heavy footsteps! John walked outside of his hut to see it standing there, she was furious and had her hooves clenched into fists. "JOHN YOU'RE SO FUCKING DEAD!" John smiled….it's time to go whale hunting. John Goodman, using his ancient Atlantean powers, allowed his eyes to roll into the back of his head, he then began to chant over and over again until storm clouds soon covered the sky. He then performed a triple backflip before summoning his mythical golden trident. He raised in in a defensive fashion, "I see Lucas sent you to destroy me! I will persevere!" Amy Schumer's curled tail shook with rage, "OINK!" Amy then sprouted boar like tusks and went on all fours, she then charged Goodman with the speed and weight of a saturn V rocket. Goodman smiled, just as he had anticipated...a blunting frontal assault. "NOW!" John yelled as a golden beam of energy knocked Amy unto her fat ass. She squealed and shit herself as she collided with the sand. She looked up in disbelief...standing over her was John Goodman and Jeff Goldblum. Jeff turned to John and fist bumped him, "Us JG's need to uhhh look out for each other!" The two laughed as Goodman put an apple in her mouth, then brutally jabbed his trident into Amy's skull, turning what little brains she had into mush. They then skinned the skill squirming corpse and roasted it over a fire. There was not much meat on her, mostly just pure lard, but the two men were able to acquire some stellar pieces of bacon. That they happily shared.


End file.
